Blessings from Heaven

Surrogacy the way I see it...

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

How to explain surrogacy to your children

      
I can only speak from experience when it comes to this topic.  I won't pretend to be a psychologist or to know what the experts say regarding the effects of surrogacy on your children, but I understand that this is an issue for women who are contemplating becoming a surrogate and have reservations about how to tell their children.  Here is what I have found...

When I was a pregnant surrogate, I had a 9 yr. old, an 7 yr. old, a 6 yr. old and a 2yr. old, so I obviously had to find a different way to tell each of my children seeing how they were on completely different levels of comprehension.  

My daughter was the youngest and at two, I am sure if she could impart very well, she would wonder why my tummy was so fat.  I do, however, vividly remember her pulling her shirt up all the time to show me her belly, an obvious sign she knew there was something different.  Once the surrogacy was over, she no longer bared her belly, unless she wanted me to blow on it.  It was like she knew...and I am sure she once again sensed something had changed.  When she is old enough, I fully intend on sharing the full experience with her.

My two oldest boys were the easiest to explain the details regarding the surrogacy.  They asked very "adult" questions and I gave them semi-adult answers.  I was not graphic in description, but I did not speak down to them as if they could not grasp what I was talking about.  I explained the scientific side of surrogacy (attention grabber for them) and kept them acquainted with each part of the process.  They were fully aware that I had been going to the doctor quite often and they kept asking why.  I was actually surprised at the amount of knowledge they already possessed.  

If their friends asked any questions, they were never afraid to answer them and then the topic was rarely brought up again.  They were at not teased or taunted for their mom's choice, but rather I found most children were very accepting and quite curious!! This tactic might not be for everyone, but my two oldest boys have always been remarkably mature for their ages. Maybe this is why I chose to go that route with them.

I left my youngest son for last because I just have to tell you a story about him.  He was in the first grade when I was a surrogate, and it was nearing the end of the school year when I was close to delivery.  Some of the mothers were familiar with the fact that I was a surrogate, but those whom I was not acquainted with, had no clue.  They probably just figured we were non-tv watchin kinda folk :-)  

I remember being in his class room with a few other mothers and the teacher walked up to me (mind you I was very pregnant) and she said, Mrs. Aguiar, I have to let you know what Jacob just said to me...(wasn't quite sure what to think at that very moment...just prayed I didnt have to move to the next town)...she continues...I asked Jacob if he was having a baby brother, or a baby sister when he quickly replied, "oh no, we're not keepin this one.  My mom is carrying a baby for a woman whos tummy is broken."  I think it was one of the sweetest things I had ever heard.  It was such a relief that he had not only grasped what I had explained to him...(that mommy was just an "oven", and she is helping another mommy with a broken belly so they can love their baby like I love mine)...but also, that he was able to convey this thought so entirely to a teacher.  She followed with...I figured you were a surrogate and I think that is awesome!  So proud I was at that moment!

As a parent, you know what your child will comprehend....what you should disclose and what you should keep under wraps.  You need to decide what will work best for you, but I guarantee that surrogacy is nothing to be ashamed of...in fact it is one the most amazing acts of selflessness you could ever teach! Most people will think what you are doing is sensational, and those who oppose, more than likely never dealt with infertility...but that's a whole other blog....




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3 Comments:

Anonymous smated.com said...

In my opinion (i hope you dont mind!) I think children and parents should discuss it as soon as possible so that it isn't so shocking later in life. It will be no sweat if they know from the start. Great post by the way.

October 12, 2009 at 5:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sarah...I love this story!!! It brings me to tears everytime I read it!!! I love you and the Mom you are!!!!!

March 26, 2010 at 8:00 PM  
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July 1, 2011 at 5:04 AM  

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